|The Next Generation|
What a complete surprise - Ambassadors! Kirk would never have accepted it, but that's the difference between being an adventurer, and a diplomat. Roll on the excitement... The two Iyaran ambassadors leap from their shuttle and are keen to meet their dates - Worf and Troi respectively. Drew the short straws again, eh guys! Picard gets the even greater honour of going back to their homeworld with the driver. Wow.
Do the guests immediately hit it off with the crew? Troi's pal takes an immediate liking to her passion for chocolate, and is going to have to work off a few extra pounds when he gets home. Worf's pal is less friendly. Actually demanding, temperamental and rude would be a better way of describing it. "Bring me new food" he yells at dinner. Buffet is for other people! The Captain has the worst time of all, when the shuttle pilot crashes into a nearby planet. Fun, fun, fun, in the sun, sun, sun...
Nope. The last time this place saw the sun we were just rodents running around in the undergrowth. The pilot's dying so it's left to Picard to be the hero. Thunder and lightning fill the air, and as Picard stumbles through the gothic haze, a voice sings out. In the velvet darkness, of the blackest night, burning bright, there's a guiding star. No matter what or who you are. There's a light... over at the Frankenstein place... No Brad, don't go!
Zap - one bolt of plasma lightning can ruin your entire day. At least things can't get any worse... Strange hands grab his inert form and drag him away. ...or maybe they can! Wakey, wakey happy campers this is Camp Crashsite, and I'm Anna the last survivor. I've been here all by myself for the past seven years, and you are going to sit and listen to me partly because I'm a the most significant plot device in sight, but mostly because you've got broken ribs and can't go anywhere!
Oh no, not plot development. If only we had a transmitter module, we could contact the Enterprise and escape. Conveniently there's one on the shuttle! Fetch the module, Anna, good girl! Time passes, and for his safety, she locks him in... When you don't give explicit instructions, you shouldn't be upset if what you want is done wrongly. Picard should have told her not to use a phaser to extract the module from the dash. Bummer. "I'll do anything you want" she moans, "just don't leave me." Seven years alone can really pickle your mind. Smooch! "I love you" she cries. Like an olive in a dry martini...
Worf has all the social graces of... a Klingon! Doh! "I'm going to kill him with my bare hands" he yells. Gunboat diplomacy at it's best! Rather than allow him to be reassigned, Laughing Boy suggests a nice friendly game of poker. Is that the game with cards, or with a fire iron? Worf's pet ambassador goes too far when he starts stealing chips. Combat! The mild-mannered security chief lets out a primal yell and turns into... Were-Worf! The ambassador gets a brow ridge print on his forehead, and looks set for disembowelment, when... he's enjoying it! Ugh, a sicko! "Thank you" he mewls, "I must document the experience!"
The Chrome Dome Gnome is in trouble now. Is he destined to stay on the gothic planet with a willing body-slave forever? What was I thinking? Stay! No, that wouldn't be the wholesome thing to do. Maybe if he recharges an ancient power-cell with his phaser, he'll be able to jumpstart the shuttle. Somehow I doubt it. "No" she yells. I knew it wouldn't happen. Why is she so keen to stay? Could she be yet another alien doppelganger?
The Bald Avenger rips off his restriction field implant, to find... he doesn't have any broken ribs. What a complete surprise. 'Ello, 'ello, 'ello, what's going on 'ere then? "I was afraid," she cries "don't leave me!" She bodily jumps on him, yelling "Love me!" Nope. Stomp, stomp, stomp, slam. That was the sound of a scorned alien running off into the night.
Knock, knock. Who's there? Voval. Voval who? Voval the alien pilot that you haven't seen for a while. Ah, lets also run off into the storm and look for the girl. Is she here? No. Is she there? No. Is she about to fling herself from a precipice? Yes! "Do it" he goads. Pardon? Since when does the Captain suggest helpless victims throw themselves from cliffs? When he thinks they're actually sneaky aliens. Morph...
It's the pilot! Actually it's Ambassador Voval. He was sent to study human intimacy. Hah, it was destined for failure. Now if they'd sent a female and given her to Riker, it might have produced a result. The others were sent to study pleasure and antagonism respectively, and at least they have something to write home about. Alas, we don't.