The TREKKER Reviews


SERIES
The Next Generation
EPISODE
144
TITLE
Starship Mine
STARDATE
46682.4


Eventually everyone's car needs a wash. In the 24th century when cars are passe, they have giant orbiting Star Washs instead. It's time for the Enterprise's 5 yearly clean, but unfortunately the windows leak, and they have to evacuate all the people before they can put it through the wash. In come the scrubber team to vacuum the carpets...

A reception has been organised by the Star Wash's desk attendant - Cmdr Huchinson. The reason he got such a senior position is that he is a criminal bore. Laughing Boy considers throttling him to death, but comes up with a better plan - get Data to engage him in small-talk! Picard's excuse to leave the party is that he wants to go riding, but left his saddle on the ship - so he'll just have to go back and get it. Hey baby, want to come back to my quarters and see my saddle...

Dressed in jodhpurs, wearing a sharp green silk shirt and lugging his saddle, The Bald Avenger strides purposefully towards the transporters, when he sees... the maintenance crew are still on board. Either they are manic depressive and suicidal, or they are up to no good. "Shall I ask them?" he considers. Nah, swat the guy with your saddle and drag him into an alcove! What a terrifying thought.

Since the Enterprise has powered down in preparation for the sweep, Picard can't beam off, so he goes in search of answers. His prisoner isn't very cooperative, even when threatened with a laser torch. "You're Starfleet - you won't kill me" he chuckles. No he won't, but he will knock you out and leave you to get swept up later...

The party is really swinging. Geordi is so excited he starts inspecting the furniture. Hmm, this table is a little strange. Could it be that it's concealing laser carbines? What an amazing guess! The "hosts" demonstrate them by shooting Geordi and Hutch!

Picard's overcome one of the terrorists, so now it's time to... be captured too! They don't know him, and believe his story when he says that he's Mott, the barber. They're stealing trilithium resin, a waste product of the engines. Oooh, nasty! Picard still has his laser torch, and shorts out a power conduit. In the confusion, he punches one of his captors and dives out under a closing confinement door, with Sadler in hot pursuit. "How can the same thing, happen to the same guy three years running?". Die Hard 3 - Chrome Dome Gnome!

A dramatic chase down a Jeffries tube leads directly to the oncoming sweep. It's rock and hard-place decision time! Sadler finds Picard's jacket, and behind door number one we have the deadly sweep. Another one bites the dust. Time to find more weapons. Worf's quarters! Look, a crossbow. Look, crossbow bolts dipped in poison. It's show time!

Picard calls Kelsey and tells her that she doesn't have a chance, and she might as well give up now. No? Ok, lets shoot another one of the team. "This is getting annoying" she screams. Oh no, he's been captured again. It's off to 10-Forward, the last place the sweep will reach, and escape for the bad guys!

Riker can't stand being impotent, so he tries hostage negotiation techniques - he slams one of his captors in the face! It distracts them long enough for Bev to jury rig Geordi's visor into a hypersonic pulse generating weapon, and knock everyone out. Everyone but Data, that is...

Marched into 10-Forward it looks like the end for our hero, when boom! It looks like the good guys got here first. A little explosive on the floor can ruin your whole day. Picard fights with Kelsey, but unfortunately she manages to beam off with her stolen resin just as the sweep enters the room. He's climbing the walls trying to avoid it, all the while politely asking if they would mind shutting it off. Polite to the end. Nah. The sweep stops.

The Bald Avenger has once again saved the day, but unfortunately the bad guys got away this time - not! During the struggle he cleverly removed the regulator from the resin's storage container. Pan back to a long shot as the shuttle explodes...

Roll Credits...

They took a standard "Die Hard" style plot and set it on the Enterprise with Picard as the hero. And I liked it! It's about time they got some action back in, and some morals left out. This would have made an excellent two-part episode, and it lost a little being crushed into 43 minutes. Nonetheless, if there was more of this TNG would be a better series.


This review is Copyright © 1994, Phil Kernick.
Permission is granted for anyone to electronically distribute it - details available on request.