The TREKKER Reviews


SERIES
The Next Generation
EPISODE
128
TITLE
Realm Of Fear
STARDATE
46041.1


Forest Ranger Picard is out searching for strays again. This time it is the U.S.S. Yosemite captained by Yogi Bear that's made a BooBoo! It was studying a plasma streamer, and got stranded in the stream. It's too dangerous to use a shuttle, and transporting through the plasma would be difficult, so how are they going to get over there?

Barclay to the rescue! Whenever a problem arises that requires fear and trepidation to solve it, he's your man. He thinks that the transporter systems of the Enterprise and Yosemite can be bridged, making transport possible. Unsurprisingly Reg is a reluctant hero, and graciously lets Worf have the honour of having the first ride, and Riker the second, and Bev the third...

When terror fills your heart, there's one person you should avoid at all costs - Chocolate-Hips Troi. Reg isn't that lucky. "It's perfectly normal that you're mortally afraid of the transporters" she says over another bowl of fudge sundae. "Try tapping your ear to calm your self down." Have you ever considered that Bajorans plexing would sound like wind chimes?

Reg finally makes the transport over. There's been an explosion in the transport chamber, and one charred body lies nearby. Bev the Butcher immediately decides that an autopsy is necessary - it's going to be a fun time in the charnel house tonight! "One and a bit to beam back" she croons. Of the other four crew-members there are no signs - either alive or dead.

Since there's nothing else to do on the Yosemite, Barclay beams back. TrekTech™ tells us that you're conscious during transport - no matter how silly that seems - but it doesn't allow for the possibility that something's in the matter stream with you. It looks like a worm with a huge mouth, that closes around Barclay's arm... just as he rematerialises on the Enterprise.

Reg asks Geordi about whether he ever sees anything during transport. "Only pretty colours" he giggles. He should definitely stay away from the recreational pharmaceuticals! No-one else saw anything either, but Reg, Geordi and O'Brien do a full diagnostic on the transporters, just to be sure. Nothing. "Transporting really is the safest way to travel" asserts Geordi. I wonder if he was an airline steward before joining Starfleet?

Could it be... Transporter Psychosis? The symptoms are paranoia, increased heart-rate, dehydration, and hallucinations! Oh no, his arm's glowing like phased matter, and all the other symptoms are there. What's the cure? "There is no known cure" drones the computer. Bummer!

Just to make a change, Reg is acting strangely. So strangely that Troi is brought back onto the case. Wow, how lucky can you get? "For your acting ability Mr Barclay you don't get an academy award, you get relieved of duty" she says. If you wanted to reinforce a paranoia theory, how would you go about it? Just to push him further over the edge, his arm starts phasing again.

It's time for the "am I really crazy" test. O'Brien's random rank has dropped below that of Lieutenant Junior Grade so Barclay can order him to transport him over and back. Energising... There is definitely something there. Wake the senior staff! Call the papers! Wake the audience!

Bev's autopsy did show one thing other than that she's a ghoul - the Yosemite's crew were trying to beam part of the plasma streamer onboard, that's what caused the burns. "History never repeats" we're told, but Geordi and friends look like doing it anyway. They at least put of a force field around the container, which is a good thing as it explodes as soon as they start a frequency sweep. Lucky that.

The slipped headband on Geordi's face once again proves useful as he stares into the plasma. "It's alive" he cackles! But is Reg? In all the excitement no-one noticed that he'd collapsed and started phasing all over. Bev finally manages to detect something out of the ordinary: QuasiEnergyMicrobes™! They must have somehow got caught in the buffer and merged with Barclay as he transported.

Since transporter surgery has been outlawed, how are they going to remove them? Bend the rules! If they keep him in the transport beam for 30-40 seconds, they can reprogram the biofilters and remove them. Energising...

Here comes a worm! And another, and more. Reg is face-to-face with a phased slug when he starts to rematerialise. He grabs onto it at the last moment and... O'Brien notes a 92% increase in mass. "There's something in there with him" he shouts. Could Barclay now be one of the Dark Overlords of the Universe, come to lay waste to all we hold dear? Nope. He's carrying another body - one of the crewmembers from the Yosemite. Really?

Worf and some of his security detail go back into the stream to rescue the other three. They'd been trying to remove the microbes using the same technique, but they had increased dispersion too far, and the patterns were lost. Then something wonderful happened, the QuasiEnergyMicrobes™ in the beam held the pattern together until they could be rescued. Bollocks.

Roll Credits...

Silly, silly, SILLY, SILLY! Did I stress the point enough? Barclay epsiodes are usually dopey. In "The Nth Degree" he became the most intelligent human in the universe - but at least it was funny! This time he has friends in the matter stream, and almost anything looks good compared to this rubbish - it didn't even have a good concept to work from. The credibility Captain, she canna' take it any longer...


This review is Copyright © 1994, Phil Kernick.
Permission is granted for anyone to electronically distribute it - details available on request.