| The Next Generation | |
| 64 | |
| The Offspring | |
| 43675.0 | |
Geordi, Wes and Troi are strolling along a corridor, moaning and whinging about Data's secretiveness. On arrival at his lab, Data says he's not ready, and slams the door in Wesley's face. When he finally lets them in, he shows them his new "Plastic Pal who's fun to be with". Ugh. Does the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation know about this blatent trademark infringement? He's created an horrific creature that even Steven King would've been proud of. Unfortunately for us, he claims it's his child and is called Lal. I bet that was a hard labour!
So why does the child have a non-human look? Is it because Data secretly despises humanity? Likes inflateable toys? Has a plastic fetish? Nope. He's going to let Lal pick its own sex and appearance. Wow - what a thrill.
Picard is flustered. No-one is supposed to have sex on his ship without his direct authority - much less have children! Now Data has appearantly done the second without the first. How confusing! I wonder if he's consulted every time Riker sleezes onto some alien female? Either way, Picard totally fails to counsel Data on parenting, since he has never had children. This seems to be a constant theme in TNG - have one character counsel another on something they know nothing about. Will we have Riker councilling morality next?
Data uses the Holodeck as a fashion lounge, and sets Lal the task of choosing a form from one of several thousand composites he's generated. Ladies and Gentlemen, we have the finalists, in no particular order... An Andorian female. Looks like a blue bug - I can't see that one being popular. A human male. Great, a pal for Wesley - scrap it immediately! A human female. Since Lal already thought it wanted Troi's form, this one looks likely. A Klingon male. A friend for Worf - I don't think so.
On her first day at school, Lal gets teased by the little kiddies. She doesn't want to be different. Sheesh! I bet she was demonstrating how she could pull her arms off, or something equally strange that grossed them out. Maybe she even tried to demonstrate it on one of them...
Ring, ring - it's Admiral Haftel is on the phone, and he wants to take Lal away for more training. He instructs Picard to hold the Enterprise's position while he arrives to personally make an evaluation of the situation. Everyone say "ooooh".
Lal, it transpires, is Hindi for beloved. Vomit, it transpires, is what I am going to do if Paramount keeps this sort of naming convention. I looked it up, and found that Lal is actually Upper-Voltan for "one who exists purely for plot development reasons and is unlike to last past the end of the episode". Aha! That's more like it - truth in advertising!
Data takes Lal to 10-Forward so that Guinan can instruct her in human interaction. See, the theme is back - Guinan is not human! During a bit of banter about how old she is, Lal uses a verbal contraction - she says "I've". Data's program has never mastered this feat. Yawn. Clearly a bug in the software. They should go back to a previous revision.
Enter William "Tongue" Riker. "You're new around here aren't you", he croons. Great Wil, that must have been the way you got Troi. Lal uses this as a learning experience and picks up Riker by the collar and slips him the old plastic tongue. Gross! Data turns to him and says, "Commander, what are your intentions towards my daughter". I thought he might say that he was willing to clean her afterwards...
Admiral Haftel arrives and says that Lal will be returned for observation and training by Starfleet professionals. Picard takes a stand. Why is it the only time that Jean-Luc can be assertive is at the wrong time? Who understands these things? Picard takes Haftel to see Lal in 10-Forward, and he makes the stunning claim that she can do 60 trillion calculation per second and is being used as a cocktail waitress. I know that if my computer could wear a mini-skirt and serve me drinks it would!
Haftel gives Lal a good verbal bashing, and claims that she has not learned selective judgement in verbalisation of thoughts. What? Oh, subtlely! Well it's hardly surprising considering who she has had to deal with. Lal leaves and goes to see Troi, claiming that she is scared. Sure. Bug #2. I say offline her now before she does something violent. Either that or let her play with Wesley for a while...
One down, one to go - Haftel now has a go at Data. He asks him straight out if he will release Lal to him, and gets told "no". Surprise, surprise. He then orders Data to transport Lal to his ship. Picard countermands the Admiral! I can feel a hanging coming on. If the Enterprise doesn't have a yard arm, I am sure that the holodeck can simulate one. Again, Picard is only assertive when it can get him shot - a true masochist. The increasing tension is halted when by a call from Data's Lab, "Master, the monster is loose!"
Lal is failing. The Admiral instigated an emotional response, and she can't cope. It's a cascade failure, and though Data tries to fix it, it doesn't work. Haftel retreats from the lab and cries emotionally, "It wasn't meant to be". Bollocks. He stuffed it up and now is annoyed because his potential new toy is broken. Typical.
Lal experienced a total neuro-cortical failure, and the crew is saddened by Data's loss. "Not a problem" he says, "she so enriched my life, I incorporated her program into mine." WHAT?!? He took code that was buggy and could cause total failure and merged it with his currently functional software! I have a book on Software Engineering he needs to read!
