| The Next Generation | |
| 67 | |
| Captain's Holiday | |
| 43745.2 | |
Oh no. More fire damaged aliens. Are they doing something alien? Nope, they are looking for Picard on Risa, wherever that is. Our entrepid captain is not there, and the Risan computer has never heard of him.
It seems that the Enterprise has been doing one of its standard things, acting as negotiator or mediator - this time in a trade agreement. There really hasn't been much "go where no-one has gone before" lately. Troi tells the captain that he's stressed and needs a holiday. With this crew who wouldn't! Now Bev gets in on the act. She tries to subtley tell Picard to take a break. Total failure again. Of course she could order the captain to go, but that would break the unwritten rule of the Enterprise that no-one gets ordered to do anything, ever!
After more cajoling from the crew, some sleezy comments about Risan women from Commander Beard, and the threat that Deanna's mother will be joining them, Picard finally assents to a break. He then goes on and on about what he considers fun - and it seems to match pretty well the average comp-sci student, boring, boring, boring! Riker, with a smug grin that would make a harpy run for cover, asks Picard for a horgon as a gift.
After a few moments down on the planet, Picard is assaulted by a woman. Well, I say assaulted, but jumped on would probably be closer to the truth. After a brief game of "find the tongue", Picard break contact and says "A simple handshake would have sufficed". Typical. But what can you do on a family show?
After a few bars of the "Twilight Zone" theme, the fire damaged aliens arrive. But that's not all, there are also... women! Lots of them. All attractive. None wearing more than a few pieces of silk and spandex. This episode looks like it could get interesting after all - NOT! One approaches Picard and says "Is there anything you require to make your stay a more pleasant one!". Groan. He isn't going to go for it, is he? Nope, and this is the fifth one today. It turns out that the reason for all this action is that Picard has got the horgon that Riker asked for, and it is the symbol of Risan sexuality. I wonder where you can get them from...
Appearantly just for comedic value, Picard is threatened by a Ferengi, and, as his crew can't see, he gets all assertive! Ross Perot's brother insists that Picard return the disk. What disk? No doubt we shall find out in the exciting conclusion of this rivetting episode. Enter Vash. We've met her before, she was the one playing tonsil hockey with the captain earlier. She appologises for any embarrasment, and it seems, is associated with the aforementioned Ferengi.
Back in his chambers, the aliens beam in to see Picard. They are Vorgons from the 27th century. I suppose that is as credible as anything we have seen yet. What's more, they have come back just to see Picard. The reason? They are trying to locate an artifact from the future, the Tox Uthat, a QuantumPhaseInhibitor™, that can stop the nuclear reaction in a star. They beam out again, and I must say that their teleport is quite cool, blue lissajous figures in a sort of cone shape.
The missing disk contains information that will allow the possessor to find the Uthat, and this is the Ferengi's angle, he wants to sell it to the highest bidder. After another dissertation from Picard, he punches the Ferengi out, and he and Vash head off into the wilderness in search of the artifact.
First night out, and Picard and Vash try for some witty reparte, and it fails miserably! After exchanging pleasantries, they slip into the mutual sleeping bag. Oh my God! Picard is trying to get his end in! And Vash is responding - this is definitely Riker's sort of woman. I wonder if she likes being phasered for fun...
Eventually they make it to a cave and start digging. Here come the aliens, and the Ferengi. After a conversation that goes like "Dig! No. Yes. No. Yes...", everyone decides that this has been a waste of time from the start, that the Uthat is not here, and that they might as well all go home - except the Ferengi. What can you say? At least the butt-head is determined!
Now that the quest seems to have been in vain, and Picard and Vash could have some quality time together, she gives him the cold shoulder. That is putting it politely, we get the "I need to be alone" line and Picard is visibly deflated.
Finally some intrigue! Picard tells the Enterprise to be ready to do transporter code 14 on his command. I can only conclude that this is to keep us in the dark and try and build suspense, because it isn't going to fool anyone who is listening in. To no-one's surprise, Vash has had the Uthat the entire time, and she was just trying to get the Ferengi off her back, metaphorically speaking of course. She kept it hidden in a horgon. How convenient.
Enter the Vorgon for the final time. They attack Vash and have been the bad guys all along. What a complete surprise. Picard destroys the Uthat with the code 14, and the aliens leave despondantly. Picard and Vash go for one more round of saliva swapping, and we are left wondering where the probability police are when you need them?
Back on the Enterprise, Picard says that he wants to have a chat to Riker about the Horgon.
