| The Next Generation | |
| 47 | |
| Peak Performance | |
| 42923.4 | |
Oh look, a decoratively addressed letter. I wonder what it could be? "Starfleet has the pleasure of cordially inviting you and your crew to participate in wargames. Please RSVP to the Zakdorn strategist Kolrami, whom we have sent along as referee." Since it's so pleasantly phrased, who could object? Captain Conciliatory, that's who. "Starfleet is not a military organisation" he cries. Yeah right.
Laughing Boy will captain the 80 year old U.S.S. Hathaway in a friendly game of laser tag with the Enterprise. Since the Hathaway's most offensive weapon is a slightly rusty butterknife, it's a good thing it's a simulation. Riker has 48 hours to pick a crew and get the ship operational. Let's see, we'll have Geordi, Worf, and the requisite number of unknown extras. He also takes Weaselly for "educational observation". I've never heard it called that before.
Before the real games commence, Riker challenges Kolrami to game of strategema. "What's that" you ask. It's sort of like 3D holographic Qix, played with a milking machine attached to the fingers. Will it be close? Will it be a challenge? None of the above. Kolrami is a Grand Master, and Riker is a two-dimensional git, looking forward to the thrill of being beaten. Another one of his kinks sees the light of day. Commence! Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle. Ten seconds and twenty-three moves later it's all over. That was exciting.
But enough of this frippery, let's see some real action. The Hathaway finally comes online, but this is going to be an exercise in extreme creativity since they're out-manned, out-gunned and out-equipped. The one thing they do have going for them is Klingon guile. "Guile" is a very strong drink, taken before embarking on hopeless missions. Worf opens a crate and slugs back a bottle and voilá, a plan! Since he's the security officer on the Enterprise, he knows the sensor override codes. That means that he should be able to fool the Enterprise's sensors into seeing another enemy...
They're going to need more than this though, as the Hathaway has no warp capability. There are still fragments of dilithium in the chamber, but no anti-matter to power the engines. If Scotty was the Chief Engineer and Kirk had had this problem, he would jury rigged the warp drive with a paper-clip, half a bar of soap and a piece of hairy string. Wesley beams back to the Enterprise to shut down one of his experiments. He was so keen to get onto the Hathaway he forgot all about it. What a pity, it's ruined. Not to worry, we'll just beam it out into space...
...and into engineering on the Hathaway! Captain Riker wanders in to see Geordi and the brat installing it into the warp drive. "You cheated" says Riker. Cheat is such a strong word - let's call it creative improvisation! It will give them Warp 1 for two seconds, if it works at all - if not, they'll just stall.
Since Kolrami is so smug, Dr Pulaski convinces Data to play him at strategema, just to take him down a few pegs. Commence! Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle. Seventeen seconds later it's all over. Kolrami won! Pulaski is shocked - how can flesh and blood beat a computer? Data seems just as mystified, and relieves himself from duty.
Mr Talkie-Toaster is sulking in his quarters when Troi comes to see him. He claims that since he is not infallible, and might make a mistake, he should not be relied upon to advise the captain. Who does he think he is, the Pope? Dr Pulaski has no more success in rousing him from android antipathy. Finally the Bald Avenger strides in to see him. "But I might make a mistake" whines Data. That's life pal! Now analyse Captain Riker's probable battle plans...
The hunt begins! Worf prepares his little surprise. A Romulan warship appears out of nowhere behind the Enterprise. They disengage simulated weapons and turn to fire... and the Hathaway sneaks up from behind and pounds them! Nice one Mr Worf. Picard realises the ruse and has the sensor codes changed. Now a Ferengi warship is heading on in. Hah, another phantom no doubt. Wrong! This one has real weapons that conveniently manage to fuse the modified weapon systems and damage the transporters.
Lets stand back and look at the situation. The Hathaway has no weapons, and no real warp capability. The Enterprise can't engage its weapons, and it's transporters don't work. So, either (a) they bug out and leave the Hathaway to the Ferengi; or (b) they all die. Kolrami votes for (a), and calls the Hathaway "acceptable tactical losses". With Wesley aboard is there any real choice? Leave immediately!
The Ferengi want to know the value of the Hathaway. If it's surrendered, they claim that they'll let the Enterprise leave unharmed. It sounds like a good plan to me, but Data has a better one. The Enterprise will fire photon torpedoes at the Hathaway, and as they explode the Hathaway will warp away. Of course if the timing is off...
"I deny you your prize" says Picard. Fire! Boom! The Ferengi are impressed, so now they claim the Enterprise. But wait! There's another Federation ship coming in at high speed. The Ferengi are out manoeuvred, so they warp off. Who is their mysterious benefactor? None other than another sensor phantom courtesy of Mr Worf. So when was he a security officer on a Ferengi ship?
With the Hathaway in tow, and the wargames completed, Data offers Kolrami a rematch at strategema. He's doing much better this time. In frustration Kolrami suspends them game. "You have made a mockery of me" he screams and stomps off. What changed? Data didn't play to win, he played for an eternal draw. I know someone who does that, and it's bloody annoying!
